9-12 Months

Injury is a constant, worrisome itch in the back of every athlete’s brain, but one that no one thinks could ever be their reality. I was the same way, but now that same injury ridden reality is my own. I thought injury only cursed the pro players on TV, maybe even a few of my teammates, but I always believed that I wasn’t unlucky enough, or I was too strong. How could it ever happen to me? Then it did, and I experienced the oddest feeling of being betrayed by my own body. After a life changing knee injury, I know that feeling of betrayal eventually resolves to only one thing; fear.

This picture was taken just 3 days after my first and only major sports injury. I decided from the moment of my diagnosis that it would never hold me back. Despite the crutches, my mom and I trekked through the Madison farmers market. Picture by Danielle Wagoner

From the time I was 4, the only sport I ever truly cared about was softball, and as a freshman on varsity I was excited for the opportunities I would be given as my high school career progressed. Just a few months after my freshman season, I tore my ACL playing in my high school’s summer basketball league, and the irony of getting injured playing a sport I didn’t love nearly as much as softball has weighed on me. I am left with the sense that my whole future was torn from my hands. An ACL tear is a major injury, and is considered to be one of the worst. I have feared it for a long time. The recovery takes an estimated 9-12 months, a period of time that seems like years to me as a highschool athlete. My recovery time seems to outweigh my time left to make a mark as an athlete.

I tore my ACL the week before my first club softball tournament of the summer season. That first tournament was the most difficult for me, as it was the first time that I had to truly come to terms with the fact that I would not step on the field for another 9-12 months. Picture by Danielle Wagoner

I often sat at the opening to our team’s dugout, cheering the best I could and taking stats on a softball app for my team. Being able to keep track of what happened in the game almost made me feel like I was playing. Almost. Picture by Danielle Wagoner

Softball had always acted as my form of escape from every problem that poisoned my daily life. No matter how severe, distracting, or emotionally draining the issue was, going to softball practice always took all of that away. Initially, I lost hope after my injury. I thought that I had lost my way out. My injury has not been just physically taxing, but mentally as well. It seems strange, but this injury caused me to experience something similar to the 5 stages of grief. Denial that I was truly injured to the severity I was told, anger that it had to be me this happened to, bargaining over recovery times, depression making it difficult to keep working hard, and finally the hardest stage to reach, acceptance. For me, this moment of acceptance came during a car ride with my dad when he said, “The only thing you can control now is how hard you work.” I realized there is nothing I could do to fix my ACL, nothing I could do to change the fact that I tore it in the first place, but I could control the way that I reacted to it.

Throughout the weeks anticipating my surgery, I did everything I could to forget about my injury. However, even after a fun morning spent with teammates, the brace still felt like a tattooed reminder of my inability to play. Picture by Lia Miller.

This photo accurately depicts the physical difference between my surgical and non-surgical leg (surgical on left, non-surgical on right). The obvious muscle imbalance has been a challenge to see, but one I can’t wait to watch improve. Photo by Alena Wagoner.

One of the biggest fears that comes along with my recovery is the chance of reinjury. My chances of tearing either my new ACL or even my healthy ACL are majorly higher post surgery. I have been told that no matter how much work I put into making my surgical leg as healthy as possible, it will never return to the strength that my original ACL had, a fact that terrifies me when thinking of returning to softball. As expected, I want to get back to being an athlete as soon as possible; however, each month I spend recovering will significantly lower my chance of reinjury. The fear of having to restart this process of recovery has constantly plagued my mind, but one that I refuse to let hold me back. I will take my time to ensure that I am ready to return to softball, but I will hit the ground running as soon as I am given the chance.

Recovery is guided by goals that eventually lead to big milestones. One of the hardest parts of recovery is relearning how to control my quad muscle. In this picture, I am able to raise my leg on my own for the first time in a week and a half, making a previously monotonous exercise exciting. Picture by Danielle Wagoner

This picture shows the stitches around my 6 different incision sites. Progress has been intensely easier since I had my stitches removed. It is so rewarding to see progress in a physical way, one that I can look at each and every day. Pictures by Alena Wagoner

At this point in time, I have only one goal; return to full health for summer softball. Although the fears of reinjury, roster demotions, and slow recovery still cross my mind from time to time, I have done my best to push all that to the side. I can only control the present, and I must take advantage of that opportunity. To four year old me, who would be crushed by the idea of any time spent not playing softball, I have made you a promise. I have let myself wallow in the idea of this injury, I have accepted it, and now I will work harder than I ever have before, and I swear we will be a better softball player than we ever have been.