Falling Out of Love with Dance

At four years old, I was thrown into a small leotard and even smaller ballet flats. Every week, I would find myself standing in front of floor to ceiling mirrors at Midwest Performing Arts Dance Studio. Eleven years later, when I think of dance I can only seem to remember the uncomfort and jealousy that came with it. In creating this photo essay, memories of being with my friends and sharing a passion for the form of art flooded back to me. Dance had always been a huge part of my life, and suddenly stopping such a stable routine was an awkward transition. Dancing and the learning experiences that came with it made me who I am today, even if it was a rocky relationship.

Photo by Jennifer Arndt

This was taken moments before I performed my first ballet dance. I remember my heart beating rapidly under my sparkly pink costume, and I know my mother sitting in the audience felt the same.

Photo by Lily Arndt

Every few months I had to change my ballet shoes. Whether it was because they were getting too worn or my shoe size was getting bigger by the week, a new pair of perfect pinky-nude flats would replace the dark beige.

Like many girls my age, I started with ballet. Those first few years, I had friends that shared the same love for leaping around the stage with me. We never took it seriously, it was just ballet class. Then, I started doing jazz, tap, and hip hop, which quickly became my favorite. All the things I disliked about ballet weren’t in hip hop. It was much less precise and more creative, as opposed to the repetitive routines and technique of ballet.

Photo by Jennifer Arndt

The dressing room was a huge part of recital days. Since hundreds of kids would be performing, I spent a lot of time trying to entertain myself. This picture was taken when my number was almost up.

Photo by Lily Arndt

The nerves radiating from everyone in that hallway brought us together more than our matching pink tutus.

As the years went by, many of my friends quit. Other sports like basketball or soccer took up more and more of their time. At the time, I never thought that I would do the same. A huge part of why I came back each year was due to the people that surrounded me, the community that had developed. Eventually, I stopped taking classes on everything except hip hop and modern. And for a long time, that made me happy. I had made friends in both classes and the teachers listened to me. I felt valued. Then, COVID hit. Our classes turned virtual, which obviously didn’t end well. I wasn’t having much fun rolling around the floor of my basement. Soon, I stopped reminding my mom when the Zoom call was about to start. Losing the warmth of the people around me that I had in the studio made the dancing part seem less fun. Even when classes in person began again, I found myself looking forward to days when I didn't have to go to the studio. I was put in a class with younger kids. All the girls my age had moved up. I began to wonder what they were doing and I wasn’t. Dance has always been a way to turn off the world and put my effort into one thing for an hour each week. I realized that for many of the other girls, it was more than that. They thought of dance as a part of them. I may have felt that in the past, but I knew then that it wasn’t the same.

Photo by Lily Arndt

Taken on the wings of the stage I grew up on, watching a group of little kids perform for the first time while I was ready to perform my last, it felt like a full circle moment.

Even though the spark I once held for dance had gone out, I still hold these memories close to me. Laughing behind the stage when you shouldn’t, the nervous smiles before a routine, and flowers from your parents afterward were the real reasons I did dance. Quitting the activity I thought I would do for my entire life was one of the first big decisions I made. No one told me this at the time, but now I know that it’s okay to grow out of something that you spent so much time and effort on. Now, I’m more involved in my community than ever. When you fall out of love with one thing, something else usually takes its place.